Understanding & Supporting Your Asexual Child: A Guide for Parents
If your child has recently come out as asexual, you might find yourself with a mix of emotions and questions.
When your child comes to you and shares something deeply personal about their identity, it’s a moment that requires immense care, understanding, and, above all, love. If your child has recently come out as asexual (often shortened to “ace”), you might find yourself with a mix of emotions and questions. This guide is designed to provide you, as a parent, with the information, support, and practical advice needed to navigate this new understanding and to embrace your child’s authentic self wholeheartedly.
What Does It Mean to Be Asexual?
At its core, asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to other people or a low or absent interest in sexual activity. It’s crucial to understand that asexuality is not a choice, nor is it a medical condition or a result of past trauma. It is a fundamental aspect of someone’s identity, much like being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual.
The asexual spectrum is also incredibly diverse. While some asexual individuals experience no sexual attraction whatsoever, others fall into what’s known as the “gray-asexual” or “graysexual” area, where they may experience sexual attraction rarely or under specific circumstances.2 Demisexuality is another term you might encounter, describing individuals who only experience sexual attraction to someone after forming a deep emotional bond with them. Understanding this spectrum is essential to recognize that your child’s experience of asexuality may be unique to them.
It’s vital to remember that coming out as asexual doesn’t change who your child is at their core. They are still the same person you have loved and nurtured. Their hobbies, personalities, values, and dreams remain. What has changed is their understanding and articulation of a fundamental aspect of their identity. Your role now is to approach this revelation with an open heart and a willingness to learn. Let the foundation of your response be one of unwavering love, acceptance, and a genuine desire to understand your child’s experience.
Your Child Has Come Out: Initial Reactions and First Steps
Your child's choosing to share this intimate part of themselves with you is a testament to their trust in your relationship. Your initial reaction will set the tone for all future conversations and their comfort level in being open with you.
Acknowledge and Validate: A positive and supportive initial response is paramount.
Example Scenario 1: Your child, with visible nervousness, says, “Mom/Dad, I think… I think I might be asexual.” A validating response could be: “Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate your honesty and want you to know I love you no matter what. Tell me more about what that means for you.”
Example Scenario 2: You might be unfamiliar with the term. You could say: “Thank you for telling me. I don’t know much about asexuality, but I’m here for you, and I want to understand. How are you feeling about this?” Expressing your love and commitment to learn is crucial, even if you don’t have all the answers immediately.
Listen Actively: Create a safe and judgment-free space for your child to express their feelings and experiences. Ask open-ended questions like, “How long have you felt this way?” or “What made you decide to share this with me now?” Resist the urge to interrupt or offer solutions before fully understanding their perspective.
Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to learn more about asexuality. Numerous reliable resources are available online, in books, and through support organizations. This guide is a starting point, but seeking further information demonstrates your commitment to understanding your child.
Avoid Dismissing or Questioning: Phrases like “You’re young, you’ll change your mind,” or “Have you even tried…?” can deeply hurt and invalidate your child’s self-understanding. Asexuality is not something to be “outgrown” or “fixed.” Trust that your child has spent time reflecting on their identity and is sharing something genuine.
Dismantling Common Myths About Asexuality
One of the most critical steps in supporting your asexual child is to confront and dismantle the common myths and misconceptions surrounding asexuality. These myths can be damaging and isolating for asexual individuals.
Myth 1: "It's just a phase." Sexual orientation, including asexuality, is generally understood to be a stable and enduring aspect of identity. While individuals may use different labels as they explore their identity, asexuality is not typically something someone simply “grows out of.” Trust your child’s self-identification and acknowledge the courage it takes to share this.
Myth 2: "They can't get pregnant now." This myth conflates sexual attraction and desire with the biological capacity for reproduction. Asexual individuals possess the same reproductive organs as anyone else of their sex assigned at birth. Their lack of sexual attraction does not negate their ability to conceive or father a child if they choose to engage in sexual activity (for procreation or other reasons) or explore different avenues of parenthood.
Myth 3: "They'll never have grandkids." This assumption stems from a narrow view of relationships and family building that centers solely on sexual attraction. Asexual individuals can and do form deep, meaningful relationships – romantic (if they are also romantic asexual) or platonic. They may choose to have children through adoption, fostering, surrogacy, or even through a relationship where one or both partners are asexual but open to having children for various reasons. Expand your understanding of what family can look like.
Other Common Misconceptions:
Asexuality is not the same as celibacy: Celibacy is a conscious choice to abstain from sexual activity, while asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. An asexual person may choose to have sex for various reasons (e.g., pleasing a partner, wanting children). In contrast, a celibate person may be sexually attracted to others but chooses not to act on it.
Asexuality is not caused by trauma or a medical condition: Asexuality is a natural variation of human sexuality and is not a result of past experiences or hormonal imbalances.
Asexual individuals can still experience romantic attraction: Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. An asexual person may still experience romantic attraction (wanting a close, intimate, non-sexual relationship). This is often described as being “romantic asexual.” Conversely, someone who experiences no romantic attraction is “aromantic asexual.”
Supporting Your Asexual Child
Your ongoing support is crucial for your child’s well-being and self-acceptance.
Believe and Trust Them: Your unwavering belief in their understanding of their own identity is the most powerful form of support.
Use Correct Language: Pay attention to the terms your child uses to describe themselves and respect their language. If they identify as asexual, use that term. If they specify a place on the spectrum (e.g., demisexual), use that term as well.
Advocate for Them: Be prepared to educate other family members and friends who may be misinformed or insensitive. Your support can significantly affect how your child is perceived and treated.
Respect Their Boundaries: Asexual individuals have varying comfort levels when discussing relationships and intimacy. Follow your child’s lead, and don’t push them to share more than they are comfortable with.
Celebrate Their Identity: Acknowledge their asexuality as a valid and valuable part of who they are. This might involve learning about asexual culture, attending LGBTQ+ events that are inclusive of asexual individuals, or simply affirming their identity in everyday conversations.
Connect with Support Networks: If your child is open to it, encourage them to connect with online or local asexual communities. Connecting with others with similar experiences can provide a sense of belonging and validation. You might also consider finding support groups for parents of LGBTQ+ children, where you can learn from others’ experiences.
Continue to Love and Support: Above all else, ensure your child knows that your love and support are unconditional and not contingent on their sexual orientation.
Navigating Specific Scenarios
As your child navigates life as an asexual individual, you may encounter specific situations that require understanding and support.
Dating and Relationships:
Example Scenario 3: Your child expresses dating anxiety, saying, “How am I ever going to find someone who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want sex?” Offer reassurance and resources about asexual dating sites and communities where they can connect with other asexual individuals or those who are understanding and accepting of asexuality. Emphasize that fulfilling relationships are built on many things besides sex, such as emotional connection, shared interests, and mutual respect.
Example Scenario 4: Your child is in a relationship with someone who is not asexual. This is a mixed-orientation relationship. Support their communication and understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries. Encourage open dialogue and compromise, and acknowledge that such relationships can be successful with mutual respect and understanding.
Family Gatherings and Discussions:
Example Scenario 5: During a family dinner, an aunt asks, “So, are you dating anyone yet?” and then follows up with a joke about finding “the right one.” Prepare your child for potentially insensitive comments and discuss how they might want to respond. You can also proactively intervene by gently redirecting the conversation or educating your family members privately.
Future Planning (Family, Career): Reassure your child that their asexuality does not limit their potential for happiness, fulfillment, or building a family in ways that are meaningful to them. Their career choices, friendships, and life goals are still within reach.
Resources for Parents and Asexual Individuals
To further your understanding and support, consider exploring these resources:
Chicago-Based LGBTQ+ Centers and Resources (Note: While not exclusively asexual, these centers are generally inclusive and can provide support and connections to broader LGBTQ+ communities where asexual individuals find belonging):
The Center on Halsted: The Midwest's most comprehensive community center dedicated to advancing community and securing the health and well-being of the LGBTQ people of Chicagoland. They offer various programs, support groups, and resources. (https://www.centeronhalsted.org/)
Brave Space Alliance: A Black-led and Trans-led organization providing affirming, culturally competent resources in Chicago, with a focus on the South Side. They offer support groups and community-sourced resources. (https://www.bravespacealliance.org/)
Howard Brown Health Center: Rooted in LGBTQ+ liberation, Howard Brown Health provides affirming healthcare and mobilizes for social justice. They offer a range of health and wellness services. (https://howardbrown.org/)
Chicago Pride Center: Offers affirming, client-centered behavioral health and substance use treatment for the LGBTQIA+ community, including individual, relational, and group therapy. (https://chicagopridecenter.com/)
LGBTQIA Resource Center - DePaul University: While university-based, they often have resources and may host events open to the wider community. (https://offices.depaul.edu/student-affairs/diversity-and-culture/cultural-centers/Pages/lgbtqia-resource-center.aspx)
LGBTQ Student Life - The University of Chicago: Similar to DePaul, they may have resources or connections relevant to the broader community. (https://inclusion.uchicago.edu/lgbtq-student-life/)
Affinity Community Services: A Black-led, queer-led organization on Chicago's Southside dedicated to social justice in Black LGBTQ+ communities. Check their website for events and programs.
Asexual Books:
"Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex" by Angela Chen (2020): A comprehensive introduction to asexuality, blending personal experiences with interviews and societal analysis.
"The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality" by Julie Sondra Decker (2014): One of the earlier and widely recommended books providing a foundational understanding of asexuality.
"Understanding Asexuality" by Anthony F. Bogaert (2012): Explores the historical, biological, and social aspects of asexuality by a leading researcher in the field.
"Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives" edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks (2014): An academic collection of essays exploring the feminist and queer politics of asexuality.
"Ace Voices: What It Means to Be Asexual, Aromantic, Demi or Grey-ace" by Eris Young (2020): Combines personal experiences with interviews from a diverse range of ace and aro-spectrum individuals.
"I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life" by Cody Daigle-Orians (2021): Offers practical advice and insights on navigating life as an asexual person.
"A Quick & Easy Guide to Asexuality" by Molly Muldoon and Will Hernandez (2016): A graphic novel-style guide providing a clear and accessible introduction to asexuality.
"Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture" by Sherronda J. Brown (2022): Explores asexuality through a Black feminist lens, examining compulsory sexuality and its intersections with race.
"Ace and Aro Journeys: A Guide to Embracing Your Asexual or Aromantic Identity" by The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (2019): A guide specifically written for asexual and aromantic individuals, offering support and validation.
Notable Asexual Articles:
"How I Discovered My Own Asexuality Without Knowing It" by Angela Chen (BuzzFeed): A personal essay that resonated with many questioning individuals.
"Is Love the Answer? An Aro/Ace Journey" by Uta Isaki (Manga): A fictional work that beautifully portrays the journey of an aromantic asexual individual.
"Asexuality: What It Is and What It Isn't" by AVEN: A foundational article on the Asexual Visibility and Education Network website. (www.asexuality.org)
Look for articles and personal essays on platforms like Them, Everyday Feminism, and various LGBTQ+ news outlets that often feature pieces on asexuality during awareness weeks or in broader discussions of sexuality and identity.
Remember that online forums and communities on platforms like AVEN and Reddit (r/asexuality, r/aromantic) can also be valuable resources for both your child and for you to connect with others and learn from their experiences.
By utilizing these local and broader resources, you can continue to educate yourself and provide the best possible support for your asexual child.
Conclusion: Embracing Your Child's Authentic Self
Your child’s coming out as asexual is an act of vulnerability and trust. By meeting them with love, understanding, and a willingness to learn, you are supporting their journey of self-discovery and strengthening your bond with them. Embrace the diversity of human experience and celebrate your child’s authentic self. Remember that their asexuality is just one part of who they are, and your unwavering love and acceptance will help them navigate the world with confidence and self-assurance.
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